13th
human beings
are so complex, and so beautiful! if you are 100% honest and comfortable with yourself and dig really deep, im talking REALLY deep in the crevices of your being, you will discover so much! whether its good or bad….
so i was driving my grandma home tonight, and on the 20 min drive back i started thinking. and i discovered my major flaw/issue. im writing it here so i wont forget. ive been having a rough summer and been feeling “sad” and “mad”. but these are such broad feelings. i wanted to SPECIFY. and i did just that.
i found that my main problem lies with my feelings towards my self worth. i have come to this conclusion from 3 different categories: relationships, friendships, and family.
1) family: first things first, this is where it all began. my family got divorced, and it affected me a lot. i never knew to what extent. the thing that bothered me the most was having to trade off between my mom and dads house. every week i would have to gather up all of my things and switch houses. i felt like an object, something that was just handed back and forth. then my dad got a girlfriend — never once did he ask me how i felt about it. then this girlfriend all of a sudden moved into our apartment — he never warned me or told me, i just woke up one day and it happened. then my dad decides to get married to this girlfriend — never once did he ask me what i thought or how i felt. now my dad is telling me hes moving to hawaii next year — still, just a statement, no questions involved.
2) stevie: i dont want to get into too much detail about what happened because it just annoys me now, but stevie cheated on me. i had suspicions and tried to get him to make all of these promises and commitments, but he broke them over and over again. i told him if he ever talked to her again we would be done, hoping that the thought of losing me would be enough for him to stay away. but it wasnt. and he not only talked to her, but cheated on me emotionally and physically. i got hurt in the end. that is partially my fault, i should have ended it way sooner, but im glad that i learned from it.
3) friendships: dont want to go into this in too much detail, but pretty much michael and jenna both just left me. i dont want to talk about michael. recently, jenna wrote me a 1 page letter about how she doesnt want to be friends anymore. she said that we are different people and there is nothing good coming from our friendship. that was probably one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done or said to me, considering that she was my best friend all through high school and was the person i went to whenever i needed someone to talk to. we got in a little fight, and the next thing i know shes writing a letter telling me she has felt this way for so long and she doesnt want to be friends anymore. and then she gets mad at me for asking her further why she doesnt want to be friends. im sorry that i wont let this friendship end just like that. it actually means more to me than something that can just be disposed. but apparently not to her.
common theme? these are the main ones, there have been other instances that have shaped my views on my own self worth. all of these experiences have indirectly and subconsciously told me that i am not worth it, coming from all directions : friends, family, relationships. the main thing that im struggling with is, do i think that i am worth it? i want to say yes, because i like who i am, but i am hesitant. i am not really sure. i can imagine myself being worth a lot to someone, but i also feel like its abstract. i want to know it for sure. i want it to be something concrete, a fact. hopefully ill find that this year and then i can really find myself.
